Rediscovering joy in motherhood
I don't write much lately.
Being a stay at home mom is nearly all-consuming.
I am around the clock, 24/7 available for the needs of my 11 month old daughter. I also have two step kids and a household that I care for. I spend almost all of my time caring for others and being sensitive to the needs of others.
This is the root cause, no doubt, for why I've heard many moms say they lost their identity in motherhood. You do have to sacrifice yourself a lot and put parts of yourself aside.
But the truth is that most of us are putting ourselves to the side too much, myself included, and that has an impact on mental health. It's been hard for me. It's also been beautiful and rewarding. But I cannot deny the difficulty, which is what I'm here to focus on because the difficulty is the teacher.
And said difficulty, which has included the loss of a lot of down time and time for my interests and my work, has meant that I write a lot less. Really, I never write. My last newsletter or social media post that included writing was several months ago. I don't read anymore. I don't have time and I have different priorities and expectations now.
And all this has revealed something to me.
Kind of like when my son died in utero. In processing the loss, in feeling the grief, a part of me naturally began to try to play more to process the trauma.
And now, in this phase of my life, different parts of myself have shown up very clearly showing me how to care for myself and not lose myself.
My partner and I have been playing in the church choir, and I'm reminded of all my younger days of being in choirs, bands, and music lessons. This brought me a lot of enrichment and fun, and I left it behind after college. "Adult life" and other things came along and I let it slip.
I've planted a garden, again, this time with flowers which is different than my usual vegetable garden, but it brings into my days time outside, time with soil and sun, and plants that is so fulfilling to me. I don't want to farm again like I did in the past, but I always want to be growing things and working outdoors.
And I've been learning Spanish. This feels so exciting to me, and I feel like my world gets bigger with it, just like when I learned French. I want to be able to speak with my partner's mom (plus more of his family, of course) and I want our daughter to learn Spanish, so I've been practicing it a little every day. So beginning the language for those reasons I've been reminded of how good learning and speaking a foreign language feels. Somehow I feel at home in the foreign.
And I had forgotten. I had forgotten how important all of these things were to me.
I wish someone had pointed these things out to me. I wish someone had told me, "You look so happy and alive when you do this, and you're good at it. Make sure you take these into the future. Let them be a part of your life regularly, because they will take care of you."
But now I know. Now I see.
And I see these things in my Human Design Chart and my Astrology Chart, too. The archetypes are there.
It's an interesting phenomenon, how in challenge or difficulty or darkness, how the light sometimes forces its way through. It says, "SEE ME. I'M STILL HERE."
We are all so resilient, meant to be the flowers sprouting up in the concrete when resources are low.
So things feel a little heavy sometimes, a little restricted, a little hurried in life lately, and I practice reminding myself that I can slow down, that I can take a deep breath, and that it's all good and a phase. But it makes the light shining through, the moments with my daughter, with my partner, our family, our walks, my time in the garden, feeling the wind in my hair, moments playing music, and everything like this so much damn sweeter.
The light feels BIG and BRIGHT when it's here.
So I hope you don't forget the light in you, or those things that bring you light.
Before all of this, I truly didn't know how to answer the question, "What do you do for fun?" I did not know fun, and I knew that was a problem.
Now I get it. And I hope you do, too! Your heart and soul need it.
If you'd like some help uncovering similar things for yourself, seeing yourself or remembering yourself, you can schedule a Chart Reading or Open Processing Sessions with me.